Safety Nets & Neediness

“Would you have gone on a date with me if it wasn’t for Five in Five?”

I asked my first date this question during our evening together. Why? And how did I feel about her answer?

Tightrope walkers use a safety net.

For the novice tightrope walker, starting out with a net not only saves their life but lets the them learn and develop their confidence to play at death defying heights.

skywire-live-nik-wallenda

Before I embarked on my #fiveinfive challenge, going on five dates for charity, I asked a friend who had done something similar if there was any difference between ‘normal dating’ and ‘dating for charity’. He replied, “It’s better! Whenever there’s two single people together you never know what could happen. But it’s better than normal dating. You have a safety net. An ‘out’, so if one of you is not that keen you can just say, “Oh well, that was all just a bit of good fun – for charity.”

But what if you are the one who is keen?

Hmm. I sense an uncomfortable feeling. Vulnerability Alert! Haha

After all, no matter how masterful you become at staying ‘in the moment’ and ‘outcome independent’, you still reach the end of the first date where one of you is likely to want to continue to a second date.

I’m no Casanova but in some ways I’ve finally discovered how to have fun meeting new people. Still, I reflect now on the fact that when I go out with friends it’s those guys who come across as ‘less needy’ who are generally more successful with women – ‘neediness’, it seems, is the biggest turn off. Understandably so, as I’ve experienced it myself with some ex-girlfriends – don’t go there girlfriend! (click fingers)

But in challenging myself to go on five dates in five weeks this creates a little teeny bit of pressure (ok sometimes a lot, especially when it’s still expected that the guy initiates things); it kind of resembles neediness, and for that reason makes me uncomfortable. After all, nobody wants to come across as desperate.

So why ask my first date if she would have gone out with me regardless of #fiveinfive? Was it my ego? Pride? If she said ‘Yes’ then perhaps I could tell myself I could get a date anytime, that I didn’t need the guise of a charity to line up dates?

If she answered ‘No’, then perhaps I could just ‘cut my losses’ early on? All this has certainly challenged me around what I’m looking for.

Perhaps it’s all the above.  All I know is that this raises further uncomfortable questions!

What are the safety nets in my life? How high up am I really? Do I really need these safety nets? It certainly would make for a more exciting show!

Francis

(BTW My date did answer ‘Yes’ to this question. I’m sure I asked because I knew what the answer was going to be!)

If you’re interested in vulnerability check out the guru: Brene Brown – The Power of Vulnerability

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